I am reposting this from Beads and Whispers. I can’t take credit for this. Please check out that blog. Thanks for reading!
When I’m born, I’m a BURDEN
When I grow up, I’m a RESPONSIBILITY
If I dress “nicely”, I’m MOD
If I don’t, I’m an AUNTY
If I get married, I’m a GOOD GIRL
If I don’t, I’m DEFECTIVE
If I’m a working mom, I’m IRRESPONSIBLE
If I stay at home, I’m a TIME-WASTER
If I excel in a career, I’m too BOSSY
If I’m your boss, I’m too BITCHY
If I speak my mind, I’m too ASSERTIVE
If I don’t, I’m MEEK
Now, what does this rant make me? a FEMINIST?
Labels are supposed to be put on things
STOP putting one on me
Okay. So I have posted about this feeling that I’m seeing things differently after the stroke. I listen to other people talk about how little things are making them angry or sad or depressed and I can can’t help thinking that life is short and there are lots of big things to get upset about.
And part of this whole thing is just seeing people differently. As I am driving through the city and watching the people on the street it seems like so many people are just walking through life. There are no smiles there is no life in their eyes. These are the modern-day zombies, people who exist but you aren’t living I am grateful that my stroke is at least allowed me to understand the difference and as I have said on numerous occasions: I am interested in living.
Can’t help feel sorry for these people. Life is wonderful. The good the bad and everything in between the smell of lavender on the breeze sound of birds early in the morning in the woods
I hope to spend the rest my life being an example of the gifts that life gives
Wake up people don’t be a zombie!
“We can be free of our sad stories. They float away until they’re like memories of dreams from the night before, shadows under the water. What’s left is life. And Life is the gift You can try to forget the story of your life, but you can’t, it’s your story. It happened.”
It was a rough day. I’ve had a few of them lately. Everything is squeezing in all around and I can’t climb out. I am trying to use my strategies for staying positive and in the moment. It’s pissing me off because I keep shifting back and forth between feeling remarkably alive, and just barely able to take a forward step. I’m feeling homesick again. It happens frequently and not always when I am away from home. I feel like I should be someplace else. I don’t know where. I’m pretty sure it’s a soul thing. I came home and felt like I had enough stuff to get out of my head so I turned on the TV for some mindless background noise and instead got thought provoking stuff instead. But it was stuff I needed to hear. “This will pass. It will all pass. Everything does. It’s part of my story even if I wouldn’t have picked this story. And when the dark parts pass, what will be left is Life and I still believe that that is the gift! I know this to be a fundamental truth. And the love and friendship of others is part of the story and the gift.
“At any moment, you have a choice, that either leads you closer to your spirit or further away from it.”
Step 12 : having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps we try to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Lately I’m thinking that all of the stuff I am feeling is the result of having a spiritual awakening. Interestingly enough I haven’t even made it through Step 4 yet. But I have little doubt that I am seeing things in a whole different you light. It’s not like I have any or even some of the answers but I do see things more clearly and I understand the connection that I have to every other human being and how I feel I need now to share this and to live my life in a way that honors my experience and theirs. And I believe that it all works out the way supposed to exactly when it’s supposed to.
As far as I know there is no good physical reason that I should’ve had a stroke however, I joke with friends and fellow steppers I that it was in fact my sponsor’s fault. Calling me out on my shit one day she said that I need to slow down and I needed to be vulnerable and learn how to ask for help. She suggested that I ask my higher power for an opportunity to learn these things. I trust her immensely and I love her soul and her insight so of course I listened. I want to feel joy I do, so I told my higher power I was ready to have whatever I needed to understand and have a spiritual awakening. It wasn’t long after that I had my stroke which of course cause me to slow down (in fact stall) and has made me more vulnerable than I’ve ever imagined and I’ve needed to ask for help, at times when it was very painful for me to do so.
And while I wish my higher power could’ve made it any easier lesson I do believe that I’ve had the spiritual awakening because of my being powerless and vulnerable. And in exchange for being paralyzed and dependent, I received the gift of freedom and trust. I have learned acceptance and patience. II have learned to appreciate the smallest of things just smells and tastes and touch. I remember early in the summer sitting on my back deck and the breeze carried the smell of my lavender plant to me and I could remember sitting there feeling so grateful for lavender and breezes.i’m not sure I would’ve recognized the gift of that moment before my stroke. And then I remember the first time that I really got a hug, no embrace, after the stroke and I realized just how powerful human touch can be for healing. Kind words from friends that I hadn’t seen for a long time and from acquaintances but I never would’ve thought were that invested in my life. I know I have written this before, But in caring this message to others and practicing these principles in all my daily affairs I am confident that I will spend the rest my days trying to pay this love and kindness forward , And trying to find a way to repay the universe for allowing me to see the depth of the gifts available to each and Ievery one of us I know that I’m taken.
care of and i vow to also be a caregiver situations where it doesn’t take away from someone else’s experience.
Now it’s back to step four I so I can solidify my foundation although I doubt there’s anything that will take this understanding of my life away. I
It’s at the end of a very long camping weekend and I am filled with a mixture of emotions. I needed a road trip and this camping experience filled that need.
I was showed another example of big love and was lucky enough to share the experience with a beautiful and loving woman who I am lucky to have as a friend. I am only sorry that I didn’t recognize her beauty
and her value before my stroke. Perhaps this is another gift of my stroke. People around me are are showing me exactly who they are. The ones who pick to share my company now I are accepting being around the crumpled me. They pick to hang out with me now and again this overwhelming love from others humbles me and makes me aware that I must pay this kindness forward.
So this wonderful woman Lydia, included me in her weekend, invited me into her tribe, and most importantly help set up the tent! IThe weather was perfect sunny and just cool enough at night. The company was spectacular with deep and intriguing conversations. leaving the campsite today, The sun was bright it was a hint of changing the color of the leaves on the trees. There was a strong breeze blowing through the trees and it was easy to recognize that fall is clearly on its way. I am always a little unsettled when fall arrives, a mixture of anticipation and mourning the end of summer. This time however I feel as if I had missed an entire year and I don’t remember having summer so fall is not a welcomed change. I
I’ve been trying to get more understanding of this ‘bubble” feeling lately. The feeling that there is a veil between me and the world. I’ve talked about it with a few people and have come to see it a little differently. It isn’t as much a bubble as a veil. And I am probably putting it there myself. It is a veil of grief. I am grieving who I was, and who I am not right now.
When I see it that way, I feel as if I am completely responsible for removing the “veil”. And yet, I don’t know where to start, or how.
Lately it has felt less like I am in a bubble and more like I am in a time warp. I will see something and be overwhelmed with the feeling of I am in the wrong place or time. Like I am too early or too late. “I’m not supposed to be here yet.” Reversed de ja vu. Weird. And it comes with a wave of sadness I don’t understand.
That’s all I got.
Sorry mom. I just find at the f word expresses my sentiments best these days. I’ve spoken at length with all of my therapists about accepting the reality of Life will be different now. I’m a stubborn cuss and so while I know that I need to accept most of that is a part of me that refused to believe I won’t get some of my old me back.
One of those things is my public speaking. I have uber confidence in my ability to interact with an audience and to connect almost instantaneously. In the limited opportunities that I’ve had to do this so far I find that I feel like such a failure. Perhaps I am focused too much on how people are perceiving me as opposed to how people are connecting with me. I feel as if my smooth strictly connected to my physical presence and I lack complete confidence in that these days.
I’m told that it will come back in time and I trust that it’s not a skill that I’ve lost just one that is rusty. Whatever the case may be I know it is something I need to work on, and thank goodness that I have team members who are supportive and complementary. Once again I’m humbled by the kindness that other show me despite my self-doubt and dislike.
And through this all I am consistently reminded that I’m a bad ass and that will be after the first comma descriptor that I will use: Kim Hunt, badass, facilitating midget (no offense to little people), survivor, lover of life and liver of life. The last descriptor makes me sound like some kind of organ. Instead of liver maybe I’m a drinker of life. Either way sounds like a 12 step program ready to happen.
So I guess the point of this blog is to express that I know I have some skill and I’m wondering if it just feels like it’s important to me now to show other people that have it. I know it I felt it. So this must be coming from my ego. The part of me that feels as if it is necessary to show other people my value. I thought I was off that wheel. This is always another wheel that I get on.
So guess I’m trying back to believing that my stroke hasn’t changed all of me but it has changedAnd it will take some time for me to get me back and I just hope that I recognize the me that comes back. I guess the cool part of this is that I realize now I really liked that me and was pretty impressed with who I was, who AM! BADASS!
As I walk through the world, it occurs to me that I must be a ghost. Granted, I am a fairly uncoordinated ghost, but still a ghost. The reactions from others are interesting. Some people seem disturbed by my presence in their world, some look away quickly, others make quick eye contact as if to see if there is someone in here, some don’t seem to see me at all. Just like other ghosts can see Casper, other differently-abled people can see me. We are stumbling in the same world, halfway between us and them.
Been there in those wonderful people recognize us and know that we’re living in between worlds. They seem to recognize our pain and show compassion and try and include us in the world of the living.
So now I am in search of Wendy. You know, that one little girl who could see the ghosts, knew they were ghosts, yet loved them still. And I’ll keep my eyes open for other ghosts as well. And I think I might try walking through walls though I’ve been hitting my head against them lately and can’t seem to make my way through.
BOO! Did I scare you? Can you see me? I don’t mean to scare you I just want to return to your world.
Changing topics, I got to catch up with some old friends from rehab today. It was good to see Silk and Satin and the others who have helped me come back to the world of the living particularly my very insightful psychologist pushes me to sit with my feelings and understand what I’m supposed to learn through all of this and one thing I learned is how incredibly blessed I am to have such good people in my life.
BOO! And good night.