This is both painful and beautiful to read at the same time. I encourage you to check out Moon child. poetry posts on Facebook or at her website. She’s very gifted with the words it’s all about the moon. Well maybe not all about the moon but it’s always connected to the moon. Anyway check it out you’ll be glad that you did. That’s pretty much it for my post tonight.
Things are starting to even out for me. I’m getting into a routine at work I’m getting into a routine at home and I finally have had a couple chances to sleep in. What a lovely thing.
Old man winter is coming but I’m going to fight it is much as I can imagine that I still live in The tropics. The past few winters hockey has kept me occupied and kept my mind off of the cold. I’m going to try skating this weekend if I can. What’s the worst that can happen I fall? Hell, I did that before the stroke. I still do it now without the skates so I might as well combined the two activities and live my life again.
I started the weekend exhausted and unmotivated. I am still off my game but I feel it coming back slowly. It was the last class of the season, another grim reminder that the summer/year I missed is coming to a close.
I dressed warmly, knowing that it was going to be a cold weekend. Despite my planning, I was freezing by exercise #2. The students were good sports, and I am thankful for the two great instructors that helped me with the class.
So I tried to do my best and interact the best I could, My co-instructors, Tom and Harry allowed me much freedom to step in and out as I was able. The class began calling me “Dick” in order to make the triad of instructors complete. The name stuck through to the end. But I had connected with them! I’m back!
I was getting some humor back. Unfortunately, the part of my brain injured by the stroke is the part responsible for controlling emotions. I discovered this early on during my rehab process when I would start to cry and was unable to stop. While uncomfortable, most people could easily understand my apparent sadness. What was more unnerving was the uncontrollable laughter. Now, once I start laughing, I am unable to stop. It becomes so bad that I think I will stop breathing or worse…pee my pants. I’m sure it is a control thing. I am completely unable to stop. And I can’t even insert humor into my spiel because I begin to giggle and, then it’s all over.
The thing is, tonight, at the end of the class with my stud ents calling me Dick and me laughing like a fool, I found myself explaining that I had “brain damage” and it wasn’t really my fault. And I felt it again. The love. They told me, “It’s all good”. And I have to agree, it’s all good.
Breathe, just breathe……:”And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button”
I’ve heard this song a hundred times. This morning, I really HEARD it though.
Life is a mixed bag. We all get some good and we all get some bad. Sometimes you gotta stick around long enough for your luck to find you!. Breathe, just breathe.
I feel like my breath has been knocked our of me. I am searching for the good. I know it is out there. I should get to a meeting. I want to be alive again!
Perhaps a walk in the woods and a heart felt prayer will help.
Before that, she was using a pseudonym on WordPress.com to blog about her experiences, share details about her life, and practice her writing. In 2007, shortly after New Year’s Day, Lee wrote the following in a blog post:
something in my brain burped. most of what i want to do is just out of my grasp. i feel like i know how to do them, but then when i go to do them, i just…CAN’T. day by day, i’m regaining my abilities, so i hope this is just temporary.
Lee’s commenters urged her to see a doctor, and the next day, she responded to them from a hospital bed: “I had a stroke! Will be better.”
I spoke with Lee about her experience, and…
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Oh I feel it coming. The slow slide into dark and dreary that is winter and loneliness. Too many times as of late I fall back to thoughts of my old life pre-stroke and still waking up next to feeling I am finally home. I hate missing that feeling. I hate having felt it at all. But that’s not really true. I loved how it felt to be engulfed in love and acceptance. I was me and that was enough for the first time ever, quirks and all. I still don’t know what happened. I would love to think it was specifically my fault. I replay it so many times differently but the outcome will never change will it? It wasn’t all me. The outcome is and that is that. Some days, accepting that makes life tolerable at least. Too many days, I can’t accept it and go back to the replays. My addiction really. Over and over again, changing the discussions, changing my responses, your responses, changing the ending, but…nope, the reality is that here I am and nothing is different despite my compulsive spinning.
And tonight I sit here terrified that I have lost so many things. My heart, my faith, my music, my voice. I picked up my guitar and my fingers wanted so badly to move and awake her. Nothing. Is that the ending? What if I never make my guitar sing again?
Writing before has always helped. Tonight it only feels as if reality is spilling out in black and white. I want to keep positive. I want to be strong but I’m feeling a little swept away. I’m looking for something to hang on to. It’s out there I know. The universe has always lifted me. It will again.
And still there are angels.
And I see the struggles of friends around me and I know that hat my higher power is not testing me but preparing me.
I think of the Golden Dragon who continues to be attacked and threatened and yet she fights! And she has looked the monsters in the eye and said “Fuck You!” And so, in honor of the dragon, I say, “Fuck you sadness and doubt! Fuck you impending doom!” Tomorrow there are gifts on the way and, though I know not what they are, I shall be thankful, I shall give thanks. I am alive and I am strong!. Fuck you Doubts and insecurities! Fuck you addicting thoughts of home and love! Fuck you pain and frustration.
Thank you universe. Thank you life.
Talk to me readers!