Awakened…revisited


IMG_1859I have written , indirectly, before about my trip down the Pacific coast and the Angels that traveled with me. The random assembly of kindred spirits amazes me every time I think about it.  My own participation was last minute and now I understand, destiny.  It was a job but it became so much more within the first moments of landing in Seattle, Washington.  I had wanted to see the Pacific Northwest for a very long time and when this opportunity presented itself, I contemplated only briefly before saying yes.  I arrived before the rest of the group as planned so that I could help with the logistics of the scheduled 10 day trip.  The rest of the participants would trickle in over the next day, along with an entourage of photographers, social media recorders, schedulers and publicists.  It was a fund-raising ride to raise money for AIDs and HIV research.  There were some celebrities who were on the ride to increase awareness of the ride.  My pre conceived idea was that this would include a bunch of pampered rider wannabes who would more than likely present more risks than necessary.  The safety instructor geek in me was prepared to take over the riding when it was technically too difficult for the babies.    Over the next week and some days I would be proved shamelessly wrong.  These riders came with all of the skill and adventure needed for this adventure.  They showed UP!  At first I was intentionally staying out of their way.  I didn’t want them to think I just wanted to be around their celebrity.  I could only imagine how much they wanted to be away from people trying to close in on them and simply enjoy the camaraderie of a great ride.

It was the second night of the trip that I was invited to join the table.  The riders on this trip invited me, encouraged me to sit with them.  I remember feeling a little giddy, like the first time I got to sit at the grown up table.  I instantly had access to their crazy, their foolery and their camaraderie.  I started to fall in platonic love with these guys who had thousands of fans but invited me into their circle of friends.  They shared their jokes and concerns with me.  As far as I know, I had done nothing to earn this except volunteer for and be accepted for this opportunity.  Even now I shake my head.  But the universe knew what I needed and I needed to feel love.  And this group of men and women showed me an abundance of love and continue to do so.

I didn’t realize at the time just how miraculous those moments were.  There was too much happening to really soak all of it in.  Too much to understand the importance of it all.  But it continues to unveil itself and so I just eagerly wait for the next series of moments to which I am gifted.  They were and continue to be the halcyon days of my life.

IMG_1875DCIM100GOPRO IMG_3765 IMG_1663 IMG_3732 IMG_3486 IMG_3625 IMG_1688 IMG_1794 IMG_1797 IMG_1859 IMG_1902It is difficult to explain  depth of to all.  On the very surface it was access to some of the most amazing scenery and landscape I had ever encountered.  My fellow traveler and good friend Joel and I would joke about how long we could go with only using single syllables to communicate.  Wow,  Ohhh,  Ahhhhh were the communication tools we used for the majority of the trip.  It was really the best we could do considering the extravagant beauty aground us at every turn.  And that was only the surface beauty.  The real beauty was in the moments in between.  In between the riding when the boys stopped to roll dow the dunes, breaking the schedule and a shoulder bone or two.  At the lunch stops and the dinners and the evenings after the rides spent connecting unsuspecting lives.  Now THAT was beauty.  What could we possibly have in common?  This thing….Life and the desire to live it fully and authentically.  We are warriors in the world.  Adventurers.  And they,  they are ANGELS.  Real live, walk among us angels.

I have written of them before but as I write again, I am struck with the realization that these strangers turned out to be my family and this trip along the coast was just a family reunion.

And I wonder….How many people are as blessed as I?  To have a biological family that is wonderful and to find your bigger world family?  I can only hope that everyone is as lucky.  The universe revealed  itself to me that at summer and challenged me to be bigger, better.  I am resigned to live out my days trying.  So just for tonight I will be bigger, I will be better!

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IMG_1776IMG_1885Eureka!IMG_1840

Here’s My Name


If I run into you, will I know what to do?

Or will I just walk on by?

Will I recognize you by the look in your eyes?

Or will I just look right through?

Here’s my name will you call it if you see me?

Will you shout it to the wind and hope it finds me?

Will you promise me?  Will you promise me?

Here’s my laugh will you listen when you hear it?

Will you smile at just how long it’s been you’ve waited?

Will you know me?  Will you know me?

Well I dream of you every night before sleep comes,

and wonder how we’ll first meet

Will friends introduce us?  Will our paths cross by chance?

Will we just pass on the street?

Here’s my name will you call it if you see me?

Will you shout it to the wind and hope it finds me?

Will you promise me? Will you promise me?

Here’s my laugh will you listen when you hear it?

Will you smile at just how long it’s been you’ve waited?

Will you know me? Will you know me?

Well I must believe that my soul will know you

The moment I breathe you in

And yet I’m afraid that my heart will betray me,

Because of the walls I’ve built

Here’s my name will you call it if you see me?

Will you shout it to the wind and hope it finds me?

Will you promise me? Will you promise me?

Here’s my laugh will you listen when you hear it?

Will you smile at just how long it’s been you’ve waited?

Will you know me? Will you know me?                                                                     KBH

Wild Dogs


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I have seen this place before, I recognize it all too well

Living on the edge of Life, Look into the depths of Hell

No one here is gonna save me from myself.

Flashes from this picture show, pretty ladies calling me,

Friends all say they told me so, Flirting with insanity,

Only ever ends up making you look dumb

Wild Dogs barking at the moon

Chasing all these shadows

Howling out this tune

Wild dogs, running round in circles

Sneaking up to campfires

And running from the Truth

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My momma always promised me, Life will only bring you pain

Everything’s a tragedy, better just get used to things

Doesn’t get much better as it goes

And I have been a good black sheep, proving her hypothesis

Falling down on bended knee, struggling with this love I keep

Embracing all the pain that I am shown

Wild Dogs barking at the moon

Chasing all these shadows

Howling out this tune

Wild dogs, running round in circles

Sneaking up to campfires

And running from the Truth

Well I will take this leap of faith, believe that God is still my friend

And doesn’t have it out for me, will watch me to the very end

Smiling at the progress that I made

I have seen this place before, I recognize it all too well

Living on the edge of Life, Look into the depths of Hell

No one here is gonna save me from myself.

seaside                                                 KBH

Grateful and guilty?


In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Grateful and Guilty.”

I have really started to enjoy just sitting on my couch in the evenings, watching mindless TV.  It lets me recover from the day, be absorbed with something other than me and then I am ready for early bed.  I don’t know if that’s a guilty pleasure but it is not like the old me at all.  Much.

Herecome the holidays…Oh Joy!


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I’m not sure how to feel.  When I do feel, it is waves of despair, then gratitude, then ambivalence and back to despair.  I used to get all tingly around the holidays.  First Thanksgiving…I loved the excitement and planning that goes into a well planned, well crafted meal.  Making sure that everything goes together on time so it comes out on time.  It is like dancing, only this kind of dancing I was good at.  I don’t know anymore.  Moving on.  Christmas.   I am a huge fan of traditions and rituals.  There are few bigger or more moving than the ones around Christmas.   I love(d) the changing weather, the changing merchandizing.  The smell of wood smoke in the air, the planning, the preparation.  The anticipation of all the traditions that unveil themselves, providing comfort with the familiar.  Nothing feels the same to me.  Nothing feels familiar.  Everything seems so much of an effort.  The tiny things, decorating, making cookies, all seem like too much effort for the payoff.  Maybe if I ease into it, the excitement will return bit by bit, inspiring me to invest more effort.  So maybe a little fun poll?  What’d’ya’say?

Something Bigger……(get you minds out of the gutter and read on)


It’s the middle of the week.  Once again I am already thinking of bed and it is just sfter 8:00.  At least that’s pm!  I know I am getting stronger and my stamina is improving slowly but I am still frustrated with how very little I want to drag my butt off of the couch.  I have never been a couch potato although, admittedly, in the beginning of the winter season, I tend to become more sedentary.  As I look around my house, I have piles of things that need to be put away, dishes to do and dogs to walk.  I know I must but I rationalize that my body needs to rest and I have gone back to work full time just 7 months after my stroke.  I am walking around most of the day, up and down stairs, through parking lots and talking in front of rooms of people.  I’m back…more or less and I feel like it is totally acceptable and believable that my body , my brain and my spirit might be exhausted after a day’s activity.

My life is different.  They told me that it would be but I tuned it out.  My life would be whatever I decided it would be.  I decided it would be easier, calmer and fuller.  Once again I am inserting my own reality.  As if this experience has taught me nothing.  I knew in the early weeks that the stroke was the universe/my higher power’s way of making me slow down, be vulnerable and accept my powerlessness in certain situations.  For example all of them.

So I’m back again, admitting I am powerless and that I need to believe in something bigger, than what I see right now.  I know this truth and it has been with me for as long as I can remember.  I know it when I stand on the beach looking out over the vastness of water be it the ocean or only a great lake.  It reminds me that I am part of something bigger.  I know it when I am in a crowd of people and make contact with a total stranger whose soul I recognize.  When friends take care of me as I am at my lowest and lift me back up.  I am part of something bigger and I must trust the flow and not try to direct the river so much.

Abundance Surrounds me

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What’s next? So a seal walks into a club………


Devil lake(Left to right Paula, Nina,Marti,Grayson)

…My son’s favorite joke as of late.  He is such a funny little man.  A bright spot.  He tries so hard and feels so much.  So much that he doesn’t need to own.  But that’s his old soulness.  He is already trying to solve so many world problems. I pray that he doesn’t begin to take things so personally. But I have to remember that it’s his experience and I can’t protect him from everything.
So, I was mom of the year for a minute. He’s been such a great help lately around the house and just company Wise so I told him that I would get him those indoor soccer shoes he’s been dreaming of. His first response true to his nature was to let me know the shoes were expensive and he knew that I didn’t have a lot of extra money. Of course this only gave me more motivation to make sure he got the ones he wanted. We went shopping for them, he made sure that he was not frustrating me because he was taking his time,and he picked out a very cool pair. I could tell you wanted to wear them out of the store but wasn’t sure it was appropriate so he waited until he was in the car to try them on. He wore them out to dinner and to school this morning, And tells me that he got several comments from his peers which I’m sure he was hoping for. In either case, I was a champion for at least a day. If only that I could do it every day.

The meaning of Life?


Ok readers, it’s Q&A time.  I’ve often wondered, as I’m sure have you, what the meaning of life is?  It’s been suggested that it is a good martini, lemon, shrimp risotto in the middle of the woods while camping, coffee in the morning after a late night…  I have come to the personal conclusion that the meaning of life is about making connections with other people and recognizing the divinity in all of us, heck, recognizing the divinity in everything!  The end of a long day’s ride with total strangers who tare now family, a big dog scrambling to get under the covers just to get closer to me, a dream about playing my guitar and knowing my fingers remember the chords, watching a movie at home on a Saturday night with my boy, sleeping in two days in a row.

But those are just MY ideas.  I want to hear from YOU!  What is the meaning of life y’all?


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