I started to cry before I even got to the rink where my group of hockey playing friends would soon be gathering for my post stroke maiden voyage on skates. These noble friends arrived in small groups, and with each arrival my tear ducts betrayed me with another gush of bodily fluid release. I know the routine by now…my slightly altered brain cells, the ones responsible for moderating my emotions have taken leave, particularly with crying and laughing, and once I start either, it goes on and on with little control. So I cried, and cried and tried to stop long enough to have my skates tied. Then the brain cells decided to really play with me as I started to laugh, and laugh, and laugh.
Then reality hit —I was about to skate again. But first I had to climb a flight of stairs walking on two thin blades of steel. And so I did, with people in front, in back and beside. And there I was, rink side. People were skating everywhere. This is the Petit Ice Skating Center, Olympic Training Center to be precise. And I was rink side getting ready to step out not in training for the Olympics but for getting some part of me back.
I stepped out. I glided. I might be able to do this! Then I started spinning to the left. And laughing, giggling out of control. Stop, focus, giggle, spin, again and again… oh my. But I made it around the oval once and only had to stop a few times because I, my friends and blog followers, I am a badass plain and simple. With some intrinsic flaws.
As I struggle to get into the spirit of the holidays…I still feel as if I’ve been robbed of most of the year…what happened to the spring, summer and fall by the way?…I get some random visits from the spirits of the season. From the ghost of Christmas Past: a card from a sister-in-law I knew in another life. There are times when my life has been crystal clear. The movement, the path. At this point of my life I can look back with fascination and some humor at the irony of it all. Every single move is in line with a greater destination. As much as I tried to predict and force the river to flow my way, it had a course of its own. And it was the course that has shown me my life. I wonder what it might have been like if I would have gone with the flow earlier and just let life guide me? The “ghost” of Christmas didn’t really take me too far into my past, just far enough to see what life was like and may have been.
There were no other visits, as of yet..I’m pretty much living out the ghost of Christmas present. Bah Humbug. I’m no scrooge but I’ve lost some connection to the magic. My family is scattered. They would say I am the scattered one. My family is different now. They come in and out of my life like clouds moving. There are times when they take up such big parts of the sky and time when they are just float through. I am different now. If the ghost of Christmas future does pay a visit to me, I will close my eyes and not look. I don’t want to see where the river flows. I want to just go with it as it flows. No doubt it will be a great adventure. I’ve been invited to the table. It’s my Jubileee!
Gotta go find Tiny Tim. God Bless Us Every One!!!!!!!!!
Another reminder from the Universe: Stay the course and finish what you started. With some encouragement, and divine intervention, I made it back to my Thursday meeting with my Thursday night family. It was still there. The safety, the love, the common bonds. I remembered what I started and why I am here to finish.
It has been a lengthy week. Work, more work, the realization of my limitations and how that manifests itself and impacts others. The passing of a colleague too soon and too unfinished. But I am here, and I must finish.
“My spiritual awakening continues to unfold.
The help I have received I shall pass on & give to others,
For this opportunity I am grateful.
I pray most humbly to continue walking day by day
On the road of spiritual progress.
I pray for the inner strength & wisdom
To practice the principles of this way of life in all I do & say.
I need You, my friends, every hour of every day.
This is a better way to live.”
Today I am grateful for spiritual reminders and the reminder that I am not a victim but a survivor. The road ahead awaits.